It's not often that I have problems coming up with words to say.
I mean, I am quite the talker. Happy? Can't wait to tell you all about it! Angry? I could bitch all day. Sad? I will cry all over you and tell you why I'm broken-hearted. The worst is when I'm nervous. Sweet Jesus, I can babble when I'm nervous.
And yet, I can not even find the words to explain this place that I've found myself in. People ask how I am and I lie. A lot. Because I don't know how to say that I'm in the darkest place I've ever been. I'm terrified to say that I am walking through a dark tunnel and I can't see the light at the end. Terrified that there is no light at the end. I am disoriented and praying, begging that the direction in which I am walking is towards the light. Because I can not bear the thought of turning around. The only thing more unthinkable than staying in this darkness is going backwards.
I wish I could cry about it (another thing I usually excel at. Really. I should have a gold medal). If I could just have a really good cry and purge some of this sadness it wouldn't be rising up, threatening to choke the life out of me. But even the tears won't come and offer their blessed release.
The worst, the most awful part of this season is the loneliness. I have never felt so blackly, emptily alone while surrounded by a great life and all kinds of good things and people. I have really good people. The best people. Opening up their arms and hearts with a kind of love that humbles me daily.
And still, I am here.
Alone.
So very, very alone.
Way back in the tiniest part of my brain, I know that this will pass. It can't be like this forever. One day everything will go back to being okay. I just really, really hope that day comes soon.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
If ever you have had a friend
I read this awhile back and it stuck with me. A simple reminder that we never really know what is underneath te surface.
If ever you have had a friend...
a good one, a real one.
someone who has given you something that no
one else ever exactly has...
then be slow to give up on them, find it in your
heart to see them with patience.
if they are quiet, seem to be acting differently
than you've come to expect or maybe not giving
at the level you are used to, perhaps they are in
hibernation, playing dead in an attempt to
survive a pain or a difficulty stronger than they
know how to handle gracefully.
be slow to believe the worst; assumption is a
ruinous and untrustworthy advisor.
the surface of something is most always the
smallest percentage of it. look at how much of
what is vital about you exists beneath your skin.
things are rarely as they appear, and when you
judge something before it's time, you separate
yourself from much worth experiencing - like
biting into and spiting out a sour apple, weeks
before it is ripe.
the butcher's knife of condemnation is good for
little but making bloody messes.
sometimes people need room to grow. what
benefit is it to you to hold other people to your
measurements? perhaps they travel in a
different direction than you have been, are
dealing with a terrain that has different
challenges than your own, and at a different
speed. there is no way for you to know for sure.
even if an assumption is popular, it doesn't
make it true. a thousand people, staring at the
surface will see no deeper than one, and lend
no more credence. watch for the tendency for
your fears to give such shallow perception non-
existent weight.
in this world of flux and flex, an open heart and
a ready shoulder are often the best gift you can
give to a friend who's going through a rough
time, and, those being offered, a peaceful space
-so they can find their way through their mazes
at their own pace.
good friends are worth the wait.
If ever you have had a friend...
a good one, a real one.
someone who has given you something that no
one else ever exactly has...
then be slow to give up on them, find it in your
heart to see them with patience.
if they are quiet, seem to be acting differently
than you've come to expect or maybe not giving
at the level you are used to, perhaps they are in
hibernation, playing dead in an attempt to
survive a pain or a difficulty stronger than they
know how to handle gracefully.
be slow to believe the worst; assumption is a
ruinous and untrustworthy advisor.
the surface of something is most always the
smallest percentage of it. look at how much of
what is vital about you exists beneath your skin.
things are rarely as they appear, and when you
judge something before it's time, you separate
yourself from much worth experiencing - like
biting into and spiting out a sour apple, weeks
before it is ripe.
the butcher's knife of condemnation is good for
little but making bloody messes.
sometimes people need room to grow. what
benefit is it to you to hold other people to your
measurements? perhaps they travel in a
different direction than you have been, are
dealing with a terrain that has different
challenges than your own, and at a different
speed. there is no way for you to know for sure.
even if an assumption is popular, it doesn't
make it true. a thousand people, staring at the
surface will see no deeper than one, and lend
no more credence. watch for the tendency for
your fears to give such shallow perception non-
existent weight.
in this world of flux and flex, an open heart and
a ready shoulder are often the best gift you can
give to a friend who's going through a rough
time, and, those being offered, a peaceful space
-so they can find their way through their mazes
at their own pace.
good friends are worth the wait.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Not much makes me crack up laughing at 7:00 a.m. but I was dying after this conversation with my mother this morning.
Me:I went shopping at the Goodwill yesterday and got new pants b/c none of mine fit anymore.
Mom: Oh yeah? I need some new clothes but I don't need to spend the money because we don't have extra but that doesn't keep your father from playing golf and blah, blah, blah (I tuned her out...she tends to ramble and doesn't breathe when she talks)
Me:(interrupting her stream of consciousness) SO...all of the clothes I bought were a size 8!
Mom: BITCH!
Me:(Laughing) I know, right?
Mom: How the HELL do you wear a size 8??? I WEAR A SIZE 8!!!
Me: P90x
Mom: I know you're working really hard and I am so proud of you...I was just bragging on you to your Aunt the other day.
Me:Thank you...it's killing me but it's worth it.
(Insert warm fuzzy, prideful feeling here)
Mom: Um, you're not on drugs are you? I mean, I know you're working out, but you're not also on speed or anything?
Me: No mom, not on drugs. I just eat healthy and work out A LOT.
Mom: Whew. Okay...just wanted to make sure.
I should have known the warm fuzzy was too good to be true.
Me:I went shopping at the Goodwill yesterday and got new pants b/c none of mine fit anymore.
Mom: Oh yeah? I need some new clothes but I don't need to spend the money because we don't have extra but that doesn't keep your father from playing golf and blah, blah, blah (I tuned her out...she tends to ramble and doesn't breathe when she talks)
Me:(interrupting her stream of consciousness) SO...all of the clothes I bought were a size 8!
Mom: BITCH!
Me:(Laughing) I know, right?
Mom: How the HELL do you wear a size 8??? I WEAR A SIZE 8!!!
Me: P90x
Mom: I know you're working really hard and I am so proud of you...I was just bragging on you to your Aunt the other day.
Me:Thank you...it's killing me but it's worth it.
(Insert warm fuzzy, prideful feeling here)
Mom: Um, you're not on drugs are you? I mean, I know you're working out, but you're not also on speed or anything?
Me: No mom, not on drugs. I just eat healthy and work out A LOT.
Mom: Whew. Okay...just wanted to make sure.
I should have known the warm fuzzy was too good to be true.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Post-it Note Tuesday: Feeling scandalous
Once again I'm joining Supahmommy for another week of Post-it Note Tuesday. Post your own and then go link up!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Post-it Note Tuesday: Chicago Style
Instead of writing a big long post about my weekend in Chicago, I thought I'd sum it up on post-its!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Trolls, Leprechauns, and Other mystical creatures
A good friend of mine is a nurse at the hospital. She has a 20 year old son, who is challenged. A couple of days ago, she was in the middle of a 12 hour shift when he called her.
"Mama! Mama! I caught a troll! I did! I saw him, and I caught him, and I got a troll."
Troll? What on earth is he talking about? "Okay baby, you got a troll. I have to work now. Love you!" And hangs up.
A couple hours later he calls back.
"Mama! I got my troll!"
She has patients and is running around and super busy. "Yay! Okay baby, you have fun! Mommy has to go to work now."
The calls continue here and there for the remainder of her shift. She was so busy and while a little confused, thought nothing of it.
She finally got off work and returned home to her son. She wasn't in the house 5 minutes when she heard a knocking coming from down the hall. She looked at her son curiously, who repeated for the billionth time,
"I got a troll!"
Panicked now, she runs down the hallway to find the knocking coming from a closet that had been barracaded shut. She opened the door slowly and peered around the edge.
There stood the meter maid.
Who happens to be a little person.
Mortified, she realized that the poor man had been locked in her closet all day long. And while understanding, was NOT happy about it.
**After I stopped laughing and changed into clean underwear from having peed my pants, all I could think was, that I would love to be a fly on the wall when he tells his boss why he only read one meter that day.**
Happy Friday!
"Mama! Mama! I caught a troll! I did! I saw him, and I caught him, and I got a troll."
Troll? What on earth is he talking about? "Okay baby, you got a troll. I have to work now. Love you!" And hangs up.
A couple hours later he calls back.
"Mama! I got my troll!"
She has patients and is running around and super busy. "Yay! Okay baby, you have fun! Mommy has to go to work now."
The calls continue here and there for the remainder of her shift. She was so busy and while a little confused, thought nothing of it.
She finally got off work and returned home to her son. She wasn't in the house 5 minutes when she heard a knocking coming from down the hall. She looked at her son curiously, who repeated for the billionth time,
"I got a troll!"
Panicked now, she runs down the hallway to find the knocking coming from a closet that had been barracaded shut. She opened the door slowly and peered around the edge.
There stood the meter maid.
Who happens to be a little person.
Mortified, she realized that the poor man had been locked in her closet all day long. And while understanding, was NOT happy about it.
**After I stopped laughing and changed into clean underwear from having peed my pants, all I could think was, that I would love to be a fly on the wall when he tells his boss why he only read one meter that day.**
Happy Friday!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Laundry Day
Oh, how I loathe laundry. It is a never-ending headache that no amount of lavender Downey will soothe. I generally prefer to put it off until it is absolutely necessary because every stitch of clothing I own is in the basket. I would happily go without, but I work in a hospital and they tend to get pissy if people show up naked. Sheesh.
I have gone through all of my normal undergarments. Then my back-ups. I have now officially moved on to the absolute last resorts. So this morning, under my hot boots and cute outfit, is a magenta bra, unmatching socks, and bright green underwear that read, "I only ride the BIG waves", across the ass (don't judge me, they were a gift).
And this morning as I was driving in, all I could think was, "please GOD don't let me get in an accident."
Because having to explain that to my co-workers makes me want to throw up a little.
Okay, a lot.
I have gone through all of my normal undergarments. Then my back-ups. I have now officially moved on to the absolute last resorts. So this morning, under my hot boots and cute outfit, is a magenta bra, unmatching socks, and bright green underwear that read, "I only ride the BIG waves", across the ass (don't judge me, they were a gift).
And this morning as I was driving in, all I could think was, "please GOD don't let me get in an accident."
Because having to explain that to my co-workers makes me want to throw up a little.
Okay, a lot.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Just call me Pima
I am the queen of nicknames.
Alice, Webster, Betty, Miss Piggy, Sandgnat, and the list goes on and on. One of my personal favorites:
Snowflake.
Aww...how sweet. Nope, my husband came up with it because he could call me a 'flake' in front of people without getting in trouble. Yup, that's my other half. Don't you just want to steal him away???
I thought after that we couldn't get much lower. Oh, was I wrong. So, so wrong.
He called my office and used pain-in-my-ass as a middle name when asking for me.
As in Demi-pain-in-my-ass-Moore. Not that I look anything like Demi Moore, just using her as an example. Though I *would* love to have her body.
I digress...
One of the girls (who had way too much time on her hands) was doodling and noticed that the letters spelled PIMA (pee-ma). And the rest was history.
So, from now don't bother with my real name. Just call me Pima.
Catchy, don't ya think?
Alice, Webster, Betty, Miss Piggy, Sandgnat, and the list goes on and on. One of my personal favorites:
Snowflake.
Aww...how sweet. Nope, my husband came up with it because he could call me a 'flake' in front of people without getting in trouble. Yup, that's my other half. Don't you just want to steal him away???
I thought after that we couldn't get much lower. Oh, was I wrong. So, so wrong.
He called my office and used pain-in-my-ass as a middle name when asking for me.
As in Demi-pain-in-my-ass-Moore. Not that I look anything like Demi Moore, just using her as an example. Though I *would* love to have her body.
I digress...
One of the girls (who had way too much time on her hands) was doodling and noticed that the letters spelled PIMA (pee-ma). And the rest was history.
So, from now don't bother with my real name. Just call me Pima.
Catchy, don't ya think?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Nothing like a 4 year old to tell it like it is
I got my ass kicked by J's 4 year old son on Friday night.
On the wii.
Playing bowling.
I wasfinally out of last place just starting to get into a groove when he looked and me and said "you're a LOSER!" while making the 'L' on his forehead.
Ouch.
Since he clearly won that round of verbal sparring, I did the next best thing.
I tickled him until he cried 'uncle'.
Because that's they way I roll.
On the wii.
Playing bowling.
I was
Ouch.
Since he clearly won that round of verbal sparring, I did the next best thing.
I tickled him until he cried 'uncle'.
Because that's they way I roll.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Any excuse for a party
I have these friends.
They like to have impromptu parties. For no reason.
I love them.
Last night we all ended up at J's house for one reason or another and 30 minutes later we were starting to get a little crazy. We are not a quiet bunch to start with and when the Grey Goose started flowing we got loud. Nothing like a group of slightly intoxicated friends all trying to yell over each other so they can be heard.
Because waiting until the other person is done talking is just not an option.
After a few hours of chatting and laughing so hard we were wetting our pants, we broke the party up so we could all go home and take care of our families. Or sit up and watch American Idol on the DVR. Not that I would neglect my husband that way or anything. Before we left, we did manage to get our next girls night planned for January 23.
Because the date will be 1-2-3.
And we will use any excuse to throw a party.
They like to have impromptu parties. For no reason.
I love them.
Last night we all ended up at J's house for one reason or another and 30 minutes later we were starting to get a little crazy. We are not a quiet bunch to start with and when the Grey Goose started flowing we got loud. Nothing like a group of slightly intoxicated friends all trying to yell over each other so they can be heard.
Because waiting until the other person is done talking is just not an option.
After a few hours of chatting and laughing so hard we were wetting our pants, we broke the party up so we could all go home and take care of our families. Or sit up and watch American Idol on the DVR. Not that I would neglect my husband that way or anything. Before we left, we did manage to get our next girls night planned for January 23.
Because the date will be 1-2-3.
And we will use any excuse to throw a party.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Welcome Back Old Friend
Due to several different circumstances, alcohol and I have been on the outs for well over a year.
That is a long ass time, people.
I am happy to report that our long-lost relationship is on the mend again. We kicked it off with a week-long reunion that was ridiculous. Insane. Fantastic. Amazing. Really, really amazing.
I think you get the picture.
We bonded even more over the holidays...
...At a couple of Christmas parties which resulted in some very interesting new friendships.
...In front of the fireplace while wrapping all of the presents in one night.
...While spending time around family, who, might I add, are much more tolerable when you add a healthy splash of vodka to your orange juice.
Or it might have been a splash of orange juice to my vodka.
Whatever.
Either way, it was a lot more fun than I was anticipating.
I digress...
We are finally kindred spirits again. And it feels so good. I have even started spreading the love. I realized this when I sent my husband to the grocery store that is across the street and he called 30 minutes later and asked what I needed from the package store (that is NOT across the street). I jumped up and down and did a happy dance calmly told him what I needed like the mature adult that I am. After we hung up, it dawned on me that this was the first time he made a trip without me having to send him.
I am so proud.
So today, I would like to say to Crown, Patron, Bombay, Absolut, and the many, many others...
Welcome back friends, welcome back.
That is a long ass time, people.
I am happy to report that our long-lost relationship is on the mend again. We kicked it off with a week-long reunion that was ridiculous. Insane. Fantastic. Amazing. Really, really amazing.
I think you get the picture.
We bonded even more over the holidays...
...At a couple of Christmas parties which resulted in some very interesting new friendships.
...In front of the fireplace while wrapping all of the presents in one night.
...While spending time around family, who, might I add, are much more tolerable when you add a healthy splash of vodka to your orange juice.
Or it might have been a splash of orange juice to my vodka.
Whatever.
Either way, it was a lot more fun than I was anticipating.
I digress...
We are finally kindred spirits again. And it feels so good. I have even started spreading the love. I realized this when I sent my husband to the grocery store that is across the street and he called 30 minutes later and asked what I needed from the package store (that is NOT across the street). I jumped up and down and did a happy dance calmly told him what I needed like the mature adult that I am. After we hung up, it dawned on me that this was the first time he made a trip without me having to send him.
I am so proud.
So today, I would like to say to Crown, Patron, Bombay, Absolut, and the many, many others...
Welcome back friends, welcome back.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Year, New Me
I am here to say good ridance to 2009! While it did bring wonderful things (the birth of my first child), it also brought unemployment, depression, sorrow, death, and a whole host of unpleasantness that I am glad to shed.
It left me in one hell of a funk.
And I'm over it.
This is the year that I will start to really live my life. To say yes instead of no. To do things just because they sounds like fun. To become the person that I have always wanted to be instead of just wishing that I was someone else.
To help kick off my 'New Year, New Me' campaign, I have joined the mominatrix and her 31 day Sexual Resolution Challenge.
Because it sounds like fun. And who wouldn't love to feel a little sexier?
It left me in one hell of a funk.
And I'm over it.
This is the year that I will start to really live my life. To say yes instead of no. To do things just because they sounds like fun. To become the person that I have always wanted to be instead of just wishing that I was someone else.
To help kick off my 'New Year, New Me' campaign, I have joined the mominatrix and her 31 day Sexual Resolution Challenge.
Because it sounds like fun. And who wouldn't love to feel a little sexier?
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