Monday, September 27, 2010

Speechless

It's not often that I have problems coming up with words to say.



I mean, I am quite the talker. Happy? Can't wait to tell you all about it! Angry? I could bitch all day. Sad? I will cry all over you and tell you why I'm broken-hearted. The worst is when I'm nervous. Sweet Jesus, I can babble when I'm nervous.


And yet, I can not even find the words to explain this place that I've found myself in. People ask how I am and I lie. A lot. Because I don't know how to say that I'm in the darkest place I've ever been. I'm terrified to say that I am walking through a dark tunnel and I can't see the light at the end. Terrified that there is no light at the end. I am disoriented and praying, begging that the direction in which I am walking is towards the light. Because I can not bear the thought of turning around. The only thing more unthinkable than staying in this darkness is going backwards.


I wish I could cry about it (another thing I usually excel at. Really. I should have a gold medal). If I could just have a really good cry and purge some of this sadness it wouldn't be rising up, threatening to choke the life out of me. But even the tears won't come and offer their blessed release.


The worst, the most awful part of this season is the loneliness. I have never felt so blackly, emptily alone while surrounded by a great life and all kinds of good things and people. I have really good people. The best people. Opening up their arms and hearts with a kind of love that humbles me daily.


And still, I am here.


Alone.


So very, very alone.


Way back in the tiniest part of my brain, I know that this will pass. It can't be like this forever. One day everything will go back to being okay. I just really, really hope that day comes soon.

3 comments:

  1. Oh mamma. I pray for you every. single. day. I am so hoping that His healing hand reaches down to lighten the dark tunnel you have found yourself in. I love you and am always here for you...even when the tears won't flow. Love you always!
    <3-the chicagoan

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  2. Oh I so know the place you are at. It sounds as if when we are ourselves we are so much alike. Yet, now with this darkness and I also have anxiety I feel so far from myself. I often wonder if I'll ever feel like me again. It worries me.

    I will add you to my prayers.

    May you find the help you need. I know mine has included a psycitrist (sp), therapist, and some meds. I'm not to proud to admit any of it. This is my life and it's real.

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  3. Ok so I didn't read the date on this and this is what popped up so if you feel wonderful now please let me know as I'd love to hear that there is hope and progress.

    If you still feel like crud hang in there.

    ReplyDelete