Solitude is a funny thing. Without it I get antsy and pissy, but given too much I start to get a little delusional. The voices in my head get louder and start whispering the most bizarre things.
It has been 4 days since I last saw another person.
Almost 100 hours.
I am climbing the walls.
The first two days were exactly what I needed, time to rest and recharge my batteries. And then it started snowing. And snowing. And snowing. You get the idea.
The last two days I have been cooped up without being able to get out and go anywhere. The roads are treacherous at best and only worth driving if absolutely necessary. While my sanity is important, most would agree that it isn't worthy of declaring a state of emergency. Usually the snow helps, but not even the sight of freshly fallen snow was enough to compensate.
Instead, the snow was just a reminder of other "snow" days in my life. The memories of those, both lovely and excruciatingly painful, haunt me in a way that little else does.
I hope with every fiber of my being that the roads are clear enough to drive tomorrow.
Because the silence is deafening.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, September 27, 2010
Speechless
It's not often that I have problems coming up with words to say.
I mean, I am quite the talker. Happy? Can't wait to tell you all about it! Angry? I could bitch all day. Sad? I will cry all over you and tell you why I'm broken-hearted. The worst is when I'm nervous. Sweet Jesus, I can babble when I'm nervous.
And yet, I can not even find the words to explain this place that I've found myself in. People ask how I am and I lie. A lot. Because I don't know how to say that I'm in the darkest place I've ever been. I'm terrified to say that I am walking through a dark tunnel and I can't see the light at the end. Terrified that there is no light at the end. I am disoriented and praying, begging that the direction in which I am walking is towards the light. Because I can not bear the thought of turning around. The only thing more unthinkable than staying in this darkness is going backwards.
I wish I could cry about it (another thing I usually excel at. Really. I should have a gold medal). If I could just have a really good cry and purge some of this sadness it wouldn't be rising up, threatening to choke the life out of me. But even the tears won't come and offer their blessed release.
The worst, the most awful part of this season is the loneliness. I have never felt so blackly, emptily alone while surrounded by a great life and all kinds of good things and people. I have really good people. The best people. Opening up their arms and hearts with a kind of love that humbles me daily.
And still, I am here.
Alone.
So very, very alone.
Way back in the tiniest part of my brain, I know that this will pass. It can't be like this forever. One day everything will go back to being okay. I just really, really hope that day comes soon.
I mean, I am quite the talker. Happy? Can't wait to tell you all about it! Angry? I could bitch all day. Sad? I will cry all over you and tell you why I'm broken-hearted. The worst is when I'm nervous. Sweet Jesus, I can babble when I'm nervous.
And yet, I can not even find the words to explain this place that I've found myself in. People ask how I am and I lie. A lot. Because I don't know how to say that I'm in the darkest place I've ever been. I'm terrified to say that I am walking through a dark tunnel and I can't see the light at the end. Terrified that there is no light at the end. I am disoriented and praying, begging that the direction in which I am walking is towards the light. Because I can not bear the thought of turning around. The only thing more unthinkable than staying in this darkness is going backwards.
I wish I could cry about it (another thing I usually excel at. Really. I should have a gold medal). If I could just have a really good cry and purge some of this sadness it wouldn't be rising up, threatening to choke the life out of me. But even the tears won't come and offer their blessed release.
The worst, the most awful part of this season is the loneliness. I have never felt so blackly, emptily alone while surrounded by a great life and all kinds of good things and people. I have really good people. The best people. Opening up their arms and hearts with a kind of love that humbles me daily.
And still, I am here.
Alone.
So very, very alone.
Way back in the tiniest part of my brain, I know that this will pass. It can't be like this forever. One day everything will go back to being okay. I just really, really hope that day comes soon.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
If ever you have had a friend
I read this awhile back and it stuck with me. A simple reminder that we never really know what is underneath te surface.
If ever you have had a friend...
a good one, a real one.
someone who has given you something that no
one else ever exactly has...
then be slow to give up on them, find it in your
heart to see them with patience.
if they are quiet, seem to be acting differently
than you've come to expect or maybe not giving
at the level you are used to, perhaps they are in
hibernation, playing dead in an attempt to
survive a pain or a difficulty stronger than they
know how to handle gracefully.
be slow to believe the worst; assumption is a
ruinous and untrustworthy advisor.
the surface of something is most always the
smallest percentage of it. look at how much of
what is vital about you exists beneath your skin.
things are rarely as they appear, and when you
judge something before it's time, you separate
yourself from much worth experiencing - like
biting into and spiting out a sour apple, weeks
before it is ripe.
the butcher's knife of condemnation is good for
little but making bloody messes.
sometimes people need room to grow. what
benefit is it to you to hold other people to your
measurements? perhaps they travel in a
different direction than you have been, are
dealing with a terrain that has different
challenges than your own, and at a different
speed. there is no way for you to know for sure.
even if an assumption is popular, it doesn't
make it true. a thousand people, staring at the
surface will see no deeper than one, and lend
no more credence. watch for the tendency for
your fears to give such shallow perception non-
existent weight.
in this world of flux and flex, an open heart and
a ready shoulder are often the best gift you can
give to a friend who's going through a rough
time, and, those being offered, a peaceful space
-so they can find their way through their mazes
at their own pace.
good friends are worth the wait.
If ever you have had a friend...
a good one, a real one.
someone who has given you something that no
one else ever exactly has...
then be slow to give up on them, find it in your
heart to see them with patience.
if they are quiet, seem to be acting differently
than you've come to expect or maybe not giving
at the level you are used to, perhaps they are in
hibernation, playing dead in an attempt to
survive a pain or a difficulty stronger than they
know how to handle gracefully.
be slow to believe the worst; assumption is a
ruinous and untrustworthy advisor.
the surface of something is most always the
smallest percentage of it. look at how much of
what is vital about you exists beneath your skin.
things are rarely as they appear, and when you
judge something before it's time, you separate
yourself from much worth experiencing - like
biting into and spiting out a sour apple, weeks
before it is ripe.
the butcher's knife of condemnation is good for
little but making bloody messes.
sometimes people need room to grow. what
benefit is it to you to hold other people to your
measurements? perhaps they travel in a
different direction than you have been, are
dealing with a terrain that has different
challenges than your own, and at a different
speed. there is no way for you to know for sure.
even if an assumption is popular, it doesn't
make it true. a thousand people, staring at the
surface will see no deeper than one, and lend
no more credence. watch for the tendency for
your fears to give such shallow perception non-
existent weight.
in this world of flux and flex, an open heart and
a ready shoulder are often the best gift you can
give to a friend who's going through a rough
time, and, those being offered, a peaceful space
-so they can find their way through their mazes
at their own pace.
good friends are worth the wait.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Not much makes me crack up laughing at 7:00 a.m. but I was dying after this conversation with my mother this morning.
Me:I went shopping at the Goodwill yesterday and got new pants b/c none of mine fit anymore.
Mom: Oh yeah? I need some new clothes but I don't need to spend the money because we don't have extra but that doesn't keep your father from playing golf and blah, blah, blah (I tuned her out...she tends to ramble and doesn't breathe when she talks)
Me:(interrupting her stream of consciousness) SO...all of the clothes I bought were a size 8!
Mom: BITCH!
Me:(Laughing) I know, right?
Mom: How the HELL do you wear a size 8??? I WEAR A SIZE 8!!!
Me: P90x
Mom: I know you're working really hard and I am so proud of you...I was just bragging on you to your Aunt the other day.
Me:Thank you...it's killing me but it's worth it.
(Insert warm fuzzy, prideful feeling here)
Mom: Um, you're not on drugs are you? I mean, I know you're working out, but you're not also on speed or anything?
Me: No mom, not on drugs. I just eat healthy and work out A LOT.
Mom: Whew. Okay...just wanted to make sure.
I should have known the warm fuzzy was too good to be true.
Me:I went shopping at the Goodwill yesterday and got new pants b/c none of mine fit anymore.
Mom: Oh yeah? I need some new clothes but I don't need to spend the money because we don't have extra but that doesn't keep your father from playing golf and blah, blah, blah (I tuned her out...she tends to ramble and doesn't breathe when she talks)
Me:(interrupting her stream of consciousness) SO...all of the clothes I bought were a size 8!
Mom: BITCH!
Me:(Laughing) I know, right?
Mom: How the HELL do you wear a size 8??? I WEAR A SIZE 8!!!
Me: P90x
Mom: I know you're working really hard and I am so proud of you...I was just bragging on you to your Aunt the other day.
Me:Thank you...it's killing me but it's worth it.
(Insert warm fuzzy, prideful feeling here)
Mom: Um, you're not on drugs are you? I mean, I know you're working out, but you're not also on speed or anything?
Me: No mom, not on drugs. I just eat healthy and work out A LOT.
Mom: Whew. Okay...just wanted to make sure.
I should have known the warm fuzzy was too good to be true.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Post-it Note Tuesday: Feeling scandalous
Once again I'm joining Supahmommy for another week of Post-it Note Tuesday. Post your own and then go link up!
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