Speechless

It's not often that I have problems coming up with words to say.



I mean, I am quite the talker. Happy? Can't wait to tell you all about it! Angry? I could bitch all day. Sad? I will cry all over you and tell you why I'm broken-hearted. The worst is when I'm nervous. Sweet Jesus, I can babble when I'm nervous.


And yet, I can not even find the words to explain this place that I've found myself in. People ask how I am and I lie. A lot. Because I don't know how to say that I'm in the darkest place I've ever been. I'm terrified to say that I am walking through a dark tunnel and I can't see the light at the end. Terrified that there is no light at the end. I am disoriented and praying, begging that the direction in which I am walking is towards the light. Because I can not bear the thought of turning around. The only thing more unthinkable than staying in this darkness is going backwards.


I wish I could cry about it (another thing I usually excel at. Really. I should have a gold medal). If I could just have a really good cry and purge some of this sadness it wouldn't be rising up, threatening to choke the life out of me. But even the tears won't come and offer their blessed release.


The worst, the most awful part of this season is the loneliness. I have never felt so blackly, emptily alone while surrounded by a great life and all kinds of good things and people. I have really good people. The best people. Opening up their arms and hearts with a kind of love that humbles me daily.


And still, I am here.


Alone.


So very, very alone.


Way back in the tiniest part of my brain, I know that this will pass. It can't be like this forever. One day everything will go back to being okay. I just really, really hope that day comes soon.

If ever you have had a friend

I read this awhile back and it stuck with me.  A simple reminder that we never really know what is underneath te surface.

If ever you have had a friend...


a good one, a real one.

someone who has given you something that no

one else ever exactly has...



then be slow to give up on them, find it in your

heart to see them with patience.



if they are quiet, seem to be acting differently

than you've come to expect or maybe not giving

at the level you are used to, perhaps they are in

hibernation, playing dead in an attempt to

survive a pain or a difficulty stronger than they

know how to handle gracefully.



be slow to believe the worst; assumption is a

ruinous and untrustworthy advisor.



the surface of something is most always the

smallest percentage of it. look at how much of

what is vital about you exists beneath your skin.



things are rarely as they appear, and when you

judge something before it's time, you separate

yourself from much worth experiencing - like

biting into and spiting out a sour apple, weeks

before it is ripe.



the butcher's knife of condemnation is good for

little but making bloody messes.



sometimes people need room to grow. what

benefit is it to you to hold other people to your

measurements? perhaps they travel in a

different direction than you have been, are

dealing with a terrain that has different

challenges than your own, and at a different

speed. there is no way for you to know for sure.



even if an assumption is popular, it doesn't

make it true. a thousand people, staring at the

surface will see no deeper than one, and lend

no more credence. watch for the tendency for

your fears to give such shallow perception non-

existent weight.



in this world of flux and flex, an open heart and

a ready shoulder are often the best gift you can

give to a friend who's going through a rough

time, and, those being offered, a peaceful space

-so they can find their way through their mazes

at their own pace.



good friends are worth the wait.